Crazy Disciple

Getting back in it

Wow, the last few weeks have been trying. Not in the typical ways
that I have become accustomed to, but moreover in ways of distraction
and (for lack of a better word) oppression. It's just been really
difficult to focus, to create, or even to write. Everytime I sit down
to try and document my days, it always seems that something either
gets in the way, or I draw a blank. Even facebook and Twitter have
been difficult to find words for... It's an interesting circumstance.

I seem to be wrapping my thoughts around many things lately, all of
which seem pointless to write about. For example, I just (10 minutes
ago) said goodbye to a great and dear friend named Céline, who is
headed into several countries in South America to engage in a mission
and adventure much like mine. It was tough to say goodbye, but also
it is very exciting for her, and for the Kingdom, to have another
believer in a strange land, serving as a walking testimony of Gods
love. She will be missed, a lot; but in all goodbyes there are
opportunities. She has offered for me to stay in her apartment for
the five months that she will be gone... WOW, what an answer to
prayer!!!

School has been going well too, and will be wrapping up in the coming
two weeks. With this session's resolution comes the next question of
enrolling for more language lessons, or trying to build some sort of
business and earning opportunity to bring in more money for the next
six months.

It has been such a blessing to live on, and recieve your contributions
and support... Without your generosity, I just couldnt be here, thanks
so much for the sacrifices you have made to keep me alfoat. Six more
months are in front of me, and It is sure to be the most fruitful yet.

Lastly, I am trying to organize a short trip back to Tulsa to see my
friends and family, and perhaps build some more connections to support
the coming six months. Please pray with me for and about this
trip... I could use a little Taco Bueno refresher!

Ok, I am making a commitment to get back into daily updates, so please
don't give up on me an keep coming back!

You guys are the best, and your comments on this blog really keep me
going... Thank you!

For thé Kingdom,

Scott

I want to make a difference

I have recently just seen the movie "Lions for Lambs" again as a $.99 movie rental from iTunes.  Needless to say, a $.99 movie from home is a welcome addition to life in Paris on occasion.   I was struck however, by how much this movie impacted me, as opposed to how much it DIDN'T impact me prior.   If I remember correctly, I didn't think the movie made much sense before, but suddenly in the presence of my current decisions and choices for life, the subject matter has never meant more. 

While there are several story points going on in this movie, the one that grabbed me the most is of two college students who, in an attempt to make a difference, enlist into the army and engage into the Afghanistan war.  There is a point at which they are discussing this decision with Robert Redford, their instructor, and I found myself deeply inspired by this particular line in the movie: 

The men who lead are the ones who do WORK when there is work to be done... will you step up when needed, or will you sit back, and let other people do the heavy lifting for you? 

These are the challenges that inspire me, the ideas, the missions...   I feel that this is the same call that God is putting on our lives, that we MUST get out and DO...   we must DO MORE DOING and LESS talking... LESS sitting...   LESS deflecting.  If we REALLY want to change the world, if we REALLY want to make a difference, then we must ENGAGE.   The problem, of course, is that engaging comes at a cost, and it is NOT easy, but it is RIGHT.   We cannot sit idly on our hands and expect anything but more of the same mistakes, and problems that have gotten us to where we are today.

It's funny, I read that back, and it looks like a political argument... it's really not meant to be, but moreover a spiritual argument.  Ironically, the truth is real for both.   From where I sit, in the middle of a country far away from home...   the two tangents intersect A LOT.   And being a person who really wants to make a difference, who really wants to change the world, to impact history...  maybe those lines need intersect a lot more, maybe truly join?   I don't know... but today, today I feel myself being inspired to look at things differently.   I guess that is where real change starts. 

Paris on wheels

With the need for exercise ticking at my thoughts and the gorgeous
spring days of Paris calling to me, I decided to pick up a pair of
inline skates to experience the city in a whole new way. Donning the
proper protective gear on my wrists, I have taken on the task of
learning to rollerblade in this fine city. I have to say that there
may be no better place, nor more challenging to take on such a task.
The cobblestone streets and pavé that are intermittently placed along
most paths are sure to stop your heart every 50 meters or so. It's a
really nice way to get some more intensive exercise than just
walking. So this afternoon, I write this post from Pont Neuf (a
famous bridge... See the Bourne Identity), sitting above the Seine and
soaking in the Sun.

It's sure to be a hot summer here in Paris, but hopefully it will also
be tons of fun... On wheels even!

J'adore Les Etas Unis

Mark and I were having breakfast this morning, just before he left for Charles de Gaulle.  He was (is) heading to the States for a few days to see family and speak at a few churches.   It was an interesting conversation, one that I am a little surprised we hadn't had prior; we talked about how much we love our country, the good ol US of A.   Now don't get me wrong, we talk about home a lot, and we talk about things that we miss, but he said something to me that really struck a tone in my heart, he said, "I love America, and if it weren't for the calling of God and my passion for the movement of Christ in Europe, I would love to be there and be with my family, and experience my country."  Man, I understood that at such a deep level.   Sure, he has been here so much longer than me, and he has put in so many more hours, so much more sweat, and so many more tears than I could even count...   but I really understand what he means.   While this *is* Paris, and it *is* an amazing place, it will never be home in the way that America is home.   It will never be home in the way that Tulsa is home.   It will never hold the history and foundation for who I have become in my life.   It is the freedom of living in the United States of America that allows me to be the person I am called to be, the person I dream of being, and to invest in other people and countries finding that same path.  And while I may be a few thousand miles from the shores of my home, I still sleep every night underneath an American flag.   I really do love America, and I miss her...   She's a good home to have. 

Do I write about this?

My mind has been stuck, for a while now, in this window that is six months from here.  I keep thinking that I can't really write about this conundrum, as there are just too many different collections of people that read this blog.  It's a trap that I fall into more often than not, I try to manage expectation and revelation with the protection that comes from a caring heart behind this keyboard.   I want to protect my family, friends and readers from the indecision and lack of direction that sits in the month of September.  

In September, my one year in Paris will come to a close, and the burning question in my heart is "what now?"  Do I return back to Tulsa and start this process of re-acclimation into the American way, or do I continue my work here in Paris?   It's a question that I am certain is thought about in more minds than my own, but the perspective and decision that answers the question can only come from God and from the direction He gives to me.   At this point, that answer seems fairly distant, and can only truly come from prayer, still I find myself stepping through logic and series of hypothetical situations that feed into my need for control and resolution.  

Honestly, I miss home, and I miss my friends and family a lot.   I miss walking into a store and not having to worry about understanding the cashier.  I miss living in a world where my primary language is the same as the populous surrounding me.   Living in Paris is, and has been an incredible experience, but the cost of being here and being "temporary" seems at times to be overwhelming.   I have no ability to work here, no means through which to earn any income...   talk about control issues... WOW.   I miss the comforts and luxuries of home, and I miss SPACE...  the wide open spaces of Oklahoma are really quite incredible.   What is the old saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder?   Too true, too true.

Ok, so all of those things should be fairly obvious.  Of COURSE I miss home...   who wouldn't?   I don't write those things for sympathy, but moreover for understanding of the situation, because the inverse is that I LOVE being on this mission for Christ.   I love seeing first-hand the uprising that is taking root here in Paris.  I love sharing my faith, and the Gospel with people whom have never experienced or heard it before.  I LOVE planning and executing strategies and concepts in this foreign land for the Kingdom.  I love using my training and education to build this church, in this place, with these AMAZING people.   I love sowing into their lives, and into the future of this city, this continent, and even this way of life.   I love being Me, here.

There are so many pieces of this journey that are just beginning, and as I plan for this window that is six months away, I feel like I am already planning an exit strategy and that feels shallow and lacking in follow-through.   Six months is a long time, but as I plan and build this new English bible study that will meet monthly, I realize that we will only meet six times before I am scheduled to return back to the states.   I am organizing and HUNGERING to organize connect groups, and meeting locations and build COMMUNITY...   but if I leave, who will take over?  Granted, I cannot do EVERYTHING; delegation should be a giant tool in any manager or leaders tool belt.  Still, I cannot help but realize and identify my place here.   I see the role that I was called here to fill and engage in, and that role still speaks to my heart.   I feel like my work here is still just getting started, and to abandon it just feels wrong.  

The clearly obvious truth here, is that I am not going home today.   This is probably a good thing, as I am NOT ready.  But the systems and structure I left back in the states were designed to sustain my being away for one year.   If I were to stay longer, those things would have to be revisited, perhaps rebuilt...  That's a whole different side to this coin.  I just don't want to make a step backward, into the easy place, the safe place...   I want to step FORWARD, deeper, and INTO something...  whether that be here, back in the states, on the moon... the location seems irrelevant, just so long as I am continuing on this journey into the life that God is calling me to live.   That is the ultimate truth; I want what HE has for me, and I will do whatever is needed to continue in that direction.  Today, I am simply called to be a missionary, in Paris, revealing the heart of God to a nation and a people hungry for the real thing.   I dig it.

What do I bring to the table?

Someone directed me to this video today, and I have to say that it is deeply insightful and inspiring, especially from one photographer to another.  I think that we are all on this journey, the one that Zack Arias is talking about here...   I know that I find myself there a lot.   It's an interesting dilemma, to look at a blank canvas everyday in your mind, whether it be missions, photography, writing, speaking, or whatever it is that you're reaching for; the question seems to remain the same...   "what do I bring to the table?"  I don't know that the answer will ever be resolute enough to stop asking the question, I think instead that it is a life-long question, one we must constantly be asking ourselves, as we strive to reach into the unknown.   Thank you Zack, for putting this together, and for inspiring me... and I assume, so many others.  

Printemp à Paris

Ok, so it isn't spring... and honestly, it isn't as warm as this photo may make it look, BUT... I am definitely seeing more and more hints of upcoming beautiful times in Paris.   As the temperatures rise, and the skies clear, it seems that the entire city smiles more, engages more, and even gets a little excited at the upcoming reprieve from the brutality of winter.    

Walking through the streets this morning with Pastor Mark, we both commented on the feeling of uprising and unmistakable presence of Christ in so many of our dealings.  It seems as if the stage is truly being set for something grand and divinely ordered.   Perhaps the coming of a new season will give some momentum to the movement, and the walls will start to fall that exist between so many of the cultures and people in Europe, only to be replaced by a unity and passion that can only come from a blessed and holy savior who is here to redeem and ransom the world. 

I guess the warm weather invites this sort of day-dreaming, this sort of imagination as we peer into a city that still seems wrapped in a history that can feel impenetrable.   The simple truth is that this revolution, this time has begun, as long as we claim it has begun.  We stand as believers, fighters, and mercenaries for Christ, in the midst of the fight for the next border, the next front line, the next person, heart, soul and mind...   as long as we fight through, and for HIM... we are winning.  

The Quiet

I wish you could hear the quiet that has set upon boulevard Saint Martin on this late Sunday night / early Monday morning.   A thick gray fog has rolled into the city that seems to dampen the normal whirl and rumble of what little traffic is left from the weekend.   Orange street lights illuminate the barren streets and cast shadows on the darkened hotels, apartments and offices across the way.   It's truly remarkable, the transformation of a hectic city to this hushed and sleeping giant that only waits for the coming rush of people in just a few short hours.  

It's been a hard week for me to write, obviously, as I have not put a lot of posts up on the blog.  This isn't due to lack of motivation or excitement, but moreover a result of the exact opposite.   My mornings have been surrendered to a process called "morning pages" in which the goal is to write three full pages of free-writing, or random thoughts.  The purpose of this exercise is to unleash a creative stream that leads to a new level of connectedness with myself, with God, and with my choices of art.   The unintended result however, has been a struggle to write much else in the day.   It's an interesting paradox.   None the less, the idea behind "morning pages" seems to make sense, so I will continue them.

Through these methods of writing, and unleashing the creative spirit, I have found myself realizing more and more the depths at which this journey to Paris has affected me.   (Perhaps that is part of the point?)   The relations to culture, language, people and especially God have all been deeply impacted by my time here, and I have still much time left.   I can only imagine where I will be in three or six more months, and how much my perspectives and realities will have changed by then.   I suspect that it will be interesting to see, but also deeply rewarding to experience.  

As I lay here and contemplate sleep, I am encouraged by the relation between the quiet of Paris tonight, and the quiet of my writing.  Both signal rest, and both signal renewal, but both also bring reflection, peace, and the impending excitement of a new time, a new moment...   just barely on the horizon.  There is something deeply profound about the quiet.

The Water Artist

A great expression of finding art in the craziest of places... courtesy of the good people at Mosaic.  You'll laugh, you'll cry...   well, you get the idea.