It's Sunday evening, around 8:30 PM in Paris, and I have been debating with myself for a bit about writing a post. This is one of those times that suck, when everyone feels 5000 miles away, and when I would give most anything to be in my bed, with my dogs, or at some goofy band party at Destiny Church. I'd really enjoy a hug from my Dad right now, or a goofy kiss on the cheek from my Sister. Honestly there are so many little things that I have grown to love from my friends and family, that I cant possibly list them all. The short version is that I feel alone today.
There are, of course, many moments when I ask myself what it is that I have done. It's usually as I am trying to go to sleep, the moments that those little pieces of happiness from just a few months ago show their pretty little heads. I generally just tell myself to not think about it, I instead try to dive into what is coming, and what is ahead... and that usually works. Tonight however, I just want to feel what I feel.
Maybe its the weather, maybe its the holidays, maybe its just the reality that I really am 5000 miles away... maybe this is just part of this journey. Tomorrow, bright and early, I jump on a train to Amsterdam. I am traveling alone, but meeting up with friends when I arrive. For some reason, I think that is having a particular effect on me. It's weird to think of going somewhere else, from HERE. Maybe that really solidifies the reality that this is home now? I don't know... it's a strange feeling.
So tonight, I think my medication will be to go for another walk into the heart of Paris and feel the cold rain on my face. I will find some magical place to stand and look at the city and ask God to hang on to me... again. I will ask for an extra helping of peace today, and maybe tomorrow, and maybe for the next 30 days, an extra helping to fill some of the holes that this experience is uncovering. On a personal level, I know that this is good... I know that this is healing, and I know that it is right. On a much less righteous level, I also know that it is hard, and it is tough, and it does indeed get lonely. It's those times though that really separate us, as Christians from the rest... as those are the times we lean in, and hang on, and those are the times that God shows off.
I may be lonely tonight, but I am alright... I know God is near. I just felt like tonight I was ready to share one of these moments. It's quite a journey...
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